Falling in Love with Holding Your Place: 14 Dating Tips to Get You a Healthy Relationship
One thing I've noticed is that dating has become one of the hardest things to do currently. Not only speaking from personal experiences but from doing my monthly readings, I see so many people asking for dating and love readings, and it makes me wonder if we really know how to navigate the dating world today. So here are some of the best pieces of advice that I could give you from many years of dealing through the dating scene.
I should note, I really like helping people- that’s why I’m writing this. Take it with love this is going to be a hard pill to swallow if you're not ready. This is also your word of warning if you're not ready to grow, go ahead and read one of my happy blogs, but if you're ready to face something that could be difficult, please read ahead. This is part two of a series called: falling in love with holding your place or how you’ll learn from my mistakes to get emotionally intelligent and navigate love as an adult.
The first part of the series was the blog How to Get to Know Yourself and you can find it right here.
Control vs Controlling
I think the hardest thing for us to do when we first start dating is recognizing the boundaries of control that we should have. And I'm not saying this from a negative standpoint but rather from the perspective of love, we often go into a relationship expecting to mold the other person to our specific standards or to completely change ours to meet theirs. At the end of the day the only thing you can do is control yourself, so here are my tips on how to control yourself when starting to date.
As hard as it sounds, a person could be “perfect” for you and maybe you could be extremely compatible but you can’t force anything to happen if it’s not there. Which brings me to my first point: no matter what, you can't make someone fall in love with you. The only thing you can do is make yourself someone who can be loved. What does it mean? Time to work on yourself. Work through any traumas, any insecurities and definitely I can't stress enough be done with one relationship before you move into the next one. It is not fair for you to bring in old baggage into a fresh new start.
If you have a friend that keeps trying to set you up with so and so But you don't find them attractive or there is something about them you don't like, that's okay. Remember: You don't owe anyone a date. Yes, they might be a nice person, but if you're not attracted to them, you're not attracted to them. Nice isn't a good enough reason. Your friend might beg you to think it over but you can't change how you feel. At the end of the day, we are very judgmental creatures and that's something we can't change.
At the end of the day, dating is just a numbers game. You're not going to find the love of your life sitting in your bedroom wishing it. And I doubt he's going to be the Postmates man bringing your food to your house because you refused to leave it. The best way to find someone is to get out there and learn to give and take rejection well. Remember you don't need a reason to stay and as a matter of fact, you don't need a big reason to leave. You're not committed to this person if something doesn't feel right or something bothers you that's a perfectly good reason to end it. Now I will tell you this when you're letting someone go, be firm, polite, and direct. They might try and give you a reason to stay so remember your mind’s already been made up. You’ve done the responsible and mature thing in cutting them off this way.
I also did mention learning to take rejection well. If you're Breaking it off with somebody professionally, then when they do the same don't beg them to listen to you with a reason. As a matter of fact- learn that when someone's not into you it's not about always personal, y'all just don't vibe together. It's nothing personal.
Just so you know there’s absolutely nothing wrong with people wanting just one thing on dating apps. You can be looking for a serious relationship or you can be looking for just sex, casual or long-term. The problem is when you’re not clear about it. Guys tend to hook in women with the “I’m looking for something serious,” when they’re actually wanting only to hook up. And women might say, “I’m fine with something NSA,” but they’re hoping the guy changes his mind once they’ve hung out for a couple of weeks. Being clear and firm in your communication can stop this from happening. So when you’re first starting to date, be specific with what you want. If not you’re being a manipulative person.
How do you start off any relationship determines the course of the relationship. This leads me to my second point: If you put someone up on a pedestal, you will force them to look down on you. There's a fine line between idolizing a person and admiring a person. And if you're not ready you might get them confused. This often happens a lot in politics, you will find a person who mirrors a lot of the same ideas that you have and then they mess up and you're heartbroken. Imagine it in a relationship situation, don’t put someone in your mind as perfect. They’re human and capable of making mistakes, it’s up to you to determine if they’re worthy of keeping. Which leads me to my next point.
Learn When To Walk Away
One of the hardest things to do when you first start dating is to decide what is worth sticking around for and when to walk away. For example, we often try to excuse poor behavior on trivial things like getting to know each other or maybe they’re just busy. Here are some things to think about when you get left on read for the whole afternoon so you can really decide if you wanna stick around or bounce.
I got this tip from TikTok: This is for when you first starting to date or talk to a guy. He'll likely say something like, “Wow, you're so beautiful,” and your response should be “thank you for noticing.” She says this is the best way to respond to a compliment. The guy will usually respond with something like, “Someone’s confident,” and depending on the kind of guy he is that can mean several different things. This is where your thought process should go next: are you allowed to think that you’re pretty if he tells you that you’re pretty, only? Respond with something like, “Nothing, wrong with a little confidence. I really appreciate the compliment. Now we’re at a fork in the road. How he chooses to handle this is so telling because it communicates one very clear thing to him, you shouldn’t have to look to him for your self-worth, you look to him for connection. If he’s not a good guy, this will probably weed him out.
The reasons you’re getting into a relationship are because you’re looking for a connection with someone who can offer you that. You shouldn’t be looking for someone to fix or repair because they’ll leave you more broken than they were entering the relationship. So If anyone tells you that they’re out of your league or you deserve better or that you're too good for them, believe them. You want to date someone that values themselves and values you as well.
In that same camp, I’ve sure you’ve heard that relationships are not 50-50, they’re 60-40 with both people trying to be 60%. All relationships should be 100-100. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be apart from each other. It’s saying that you should give 100% of yourself to maintaining a good relationship. You can have bad days but most of the time it should be good.
This one is gonna be one of the hardest ones to read, and if it really bothers you it’s because you know it's true and you’re not ready to deal with it. So it’s time to put your shoes on and take a walk. It's compromising in the relationship. You can compromise on things in the relationship like where to eat or events to go to. BUT you should NEVER compromise on the way they treat you or unrealistic expectations they give you. Unconditional love doesn’t mean you cannot separate the person and the behavior.
Ya girl is a victim to this one. I always analyze guys and come up with reasons or excuses. Now have this posted up in the room so I see it daily. It’s changed my life. Most of the time any "mixed signals" just means "no." Or, I don't know what I want, so I’m stringing you along until I find out, but you’ll find out too late that I am a mixed-up person, in a mixed-up part of my life”, or a simply a flake. Any of the above indicates that it is best to move on. Basically, if they like you, you'll know, if they don’t you'll be confused too regardless of contact. It's not a hell yes it's a hell no.
I know you’re like me and always look to your friends to see if the person you’re dating passes their approval. And while most of the time I say, you really shouldn’t care 100% what your friends think, you need to take into consideration some things they say as fact. I say this because this is one of the most often pieces of advice I hand out. I heard it when the Challenge’s CaraMaria said it in an article but you might have heard it in BoJack Horseman, “When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” Either take a step back and analyze your relationship or listen to your friends/ family’s concerns about it. Is everyone saying the same thing? These people have been in your life way longer than this person you’re dating.
For the love of God don’t put unrealistic rules in your dating life. Saying something like “I don’t want you to go out tonight or I’ll break up with you,” or “you’re not allowed to have friends of x gender,” those are toxic things. It’ll build resentment in the relationship, now that’s not to say you’re not allowed to have deal-breakers. A deal-breaker might be something like: “I asked you to do x and you still haven’t done x” or “when we go out, you drink too much and it ruins my night, can you opt to not drink today,” (and then they get shitfaced). You’ve expressed a need you’d like met and it’s not being met. So all in all your partner will do things you don't want them to, you just have to decide what's a deal-breaker. And when you do, it’s your job to terminate the relationship, you’ll be harboring a lot of toxicity if you hope they change when they probably won’t.
Lastly, exercise a lot of caution around anyone who has an extensive list of people who have wronged them. It won't be long until you're added to that list. I mean this person has told you they’ve been dumped by every single person, they’ve been used by every single friendship or even something as trivial as fired from every single job (and they’re mad about it, not like they just had bad luck). You’ll notice this behavior when they start asking for things and if it’s not done, they’ll be really mad at you. As a principle, this is something that you should follow in all forms of life.
Even though lovelist isn’t 100% all about relationships, we still care about you. After all we provide you with date night ideas and places to go so why can’t we help you find a healthy relationship beforehand. Also, to follow along more on my life check out my food instagram right here.
